nooooooo.....its almost over!

so im back from chicago, it was fun. great food, great places. didnt go downtown though which sucked but parking is a bitch down there. i love the chi. i would go back in a heart beat. i came back on wednesday and now spring break is almost done and i have to get started on some work. i have to get started on my interviews for business and i have to finish up my poem for poetry. i have some pictures below.
sometimes i find my life to be so frustrating. one family member wants to leave and never come back (although they've been saying that for the last five years). one family member wants to pretend we're still one big happy family. and im going "we have never been a happy family!" im getting gray hairs because of this. im only 19! i should technically be "doing something better with my life" because apparently all 19 year olds know what they want to do for the rest of their lives. its so frustrating because i feel all alone. i feel like no one understands what im going through. its a freaking miracle that i havent done any drugs yet.

seriously anyone who's ever been through what i have has
a) OD'd
b)cut themselves
or c) seen a therapist.
i have done none of the above. my dad is like "oh none of you make me happy so im just going stay at my apartment till i get what i expect from all of you" crap. all because i said "being a scientist isnt the only type of intelligence that you can have". im so sick of trying to defend myself everytime. okay so no, im not the scientist like you are, you dont have to call me dumb for that. what kind of close mindedness is that? just because people dont think like you do doesnt mean they're not any smarter than you are. yeah i failed at chemistry, so what? so did half the students in my class. why? because i went to a ARTS school. where it is known for theater and music. i didnt get accepted anywhere else because i am not a good test taker. never have been , never will be. i got an average score for my ACTS and i dont want to graduate from a major university, i dont. whats the point of spending a lot of money going to a school thats really well known when u can learn the same stuff at a local school thats not really well known for a different price? thats like going to a betsy johnson store and spending $600 on the same dress that you could buy at goodwill for $6. or a stripper at a high end club (like i would know) its dumb and not financially savvy.

ugh im so tired of going through the same motions with people who dont seem to get (or ever will get) where im coming from.

im so tired of dealing with the same issues over and over again like its groundhogs day.


im tired of working out and dieting and not seeing results. (instead of losing weight, im gaining weight).

im tired of crying over things i cant control.

im tired of the paul walker poster, that i keep forgeting to take down in my room.


im so tired...

im tired of being unhappy period.

ah spring break

so im finally on spring break, guess where i am?
guess where i am.
no not in cancun
wrong again.
im not in panama city
nope.
give up?
im in...drum roll please.....chicago!!!
in my dad's apt with my mom and my brother!!!
yeah im lame, i know. but i barely go to chicago anymore, and i forgot how much i miss it. hell ive practically lived here for the past 10 years! i barely ever go to the city. its so much more diverse then kenosha. i have a wonderful field picture i took at twilight, that i'll show when i get back on wednesday. i was thinking about how much of a tomboy i was growing up. i mean yeah i played with dolls, but at the same time i knew so much (and played) sports than any other girl my age and from the sixth grade onwards i wore nothing but jeans. only wear make up on special occasions, and now i work out like crazy. wow im an adrianne curry. only im more mellow.

im gonna buy her book when it comes out, im sure she has a lot of interesting stories to tell about her reality tv gigs and her life in general. i look up to her because she reminds me of a much harder me (minus the drugs) about two-three years ago. but most of all she overcame a lot hardships because she has the drive to do anything and everything she wants. if she can do it so can i. im not going into the entertainment industry because its hard to succeed there. epecially nowadays no matter how talented you are, you got to have connections and luck, and be willing to sell your soul and dignity. im not that type of person. thats why you'll never see me in a reality show.

im a hardass at times , just ask my family. but i would NEVER let anyone talk shit about them or me. my family and my close friends mean a lot to me, they would do anything for me. i have a hard head and im stubborn, and you dont wanna be around me when you catch me in a bad mood, believe me. i can be a real asshole at times, and hard to deal with, but thats me being a human. we all have good and bad days. and its up to us what we do with it.
anyways, ive always been a midwestern girl thats never gonna change, always had this mouth that gets me in trouble, but ive always loved everyone who cares about me. even if im a hard ass. they're always there.

so to all of you guys, even you who is reading this, thanks for putting up with my bullshit.

flavor of the year

as an indian i would like to say i am so upset that slumdog millionaire won for best picture at the oscars. why? anyone who knows bollywood would know movies like slumdog are made every year in bollywood. . it only got the attention it did because it was......wait for it.......directed by a WHITE guy. i didnt want to play the race card, but im playing it anyways. Lagaan shouldve won best foreign film at the oscars for its year, but it didnt. and that was a MUCH better plot than slumdog. thats because no one ever takes bollywood seriously. sure, the movies are known for its unlogical plots and belly dancing songs, but every year there are movies that are (if not better) like slumdog. and they are worth watching, im so pissed off that people make fun of the cast as well. you're making fun of people of my culture, you're making fun of me. what i really hate the most is that bollywood is becoming this trend in hollywood. watch people are going to be wearing saris on the red carpet soon. its not a trendy thing for me, its life. i live in my culture everyday, and i absolutely hate the fact that hollywood is explioting MY culture.
on related news, i was at my dad's apartment the other day, and i was watching trivial pursuit and there was this guy that claimed he was the doppleganger of, the king of bollywood, shahrukh khan (SRK). first of all, except for the cheekbones, he looked nothing like the guy: he was too short, looked mexican, and his hair was brown and he was tan. in case you dont know how shahrukh looks like just look below. and if u seen the trivial pursuit episode i was talking about, you know what i mean. well i guess thats all for now. i'll write later this weekend, after i study for my psych test, and write my ballad for poetry of course, till then.......