writing with a killer headache

so my mom came from chicago and is staying at the house for a couple weeks. last year, my mom was used to seeing my bro and i every day, this year is different especially since june. having her here is nice, but at the same time it's a little drag because my bro and i have to take care of her. it's not that she's immobile or anything, she just needs more attention. sometimes its too much for me. i was thinking about getting a job, but now it seems like madness. with the stress level already high for me right now, i dont know if i could take a job plus the recession took a big toll on where i live. sometimes i feel just as stressed as the people in my night class, and they have full time jobs, have kids and are married (well most of them are). i am 20 years old and i should be living it up instead im stuck at home most of the time. i chose career instead of partying it up in college. i chose to go home after work instead of spending the whole night riding rides or searching for flags. i chose not to go after the one i like instead of having a boyfriend. those were my decisions and which lead me to where? having no fun whatsoever. things always held me back, my parents for one, and fear for two. i bet you anything next year im going to be celebrating my 21st birthday with my family instead of my friends. i could put the blame on my parents for me not having any fun during my teens, but i wont. because i could've easily told them i was going to my best friend's house when i would really go to a party that was loaded with alcohol and who knows what else. i was invited to those back in high school, not directly, but i knew if i asked they wouldve said yes. a lot of shit happened to me in high school. my heart got broken (hey whose didn't?), i was pretty much an outcast mostly because i was friends with a girl who basically whored herself to every guy she saw. i wanted to help her but she talked some crap behind my best friend's back (she was friends with her too) and lets just say i lost touch with her. besides my best friend, i had no one. i mean i was cool with some people but i never hung out with them outside of school. i just felt so withdrawn during that time, i felt so out of place with everyone. the only time i didn't was when i was in drama club. there i felt like the girls who didn't talk to me did when i did my first play. my second play, no one did. i remember one time senior year, there was a girl who moved from texas, she was a beautiful blonde girl, i offered to show her around because i've been in her position before. she kinda snubbed me and said "well i know where everything is" it wasnt long before she found her new friends which was the popular crowd who showed her around. i looked at her facebook and found that she was popular at her old school too. i believe its the theory of natural stability, or something like that when a teenager is a certain way at one school he or she will most likely be the same way when they move. its 75% with popular kids i believe, i learned that in my developmental psych class last semester. i have also taken enough psych classes to know that i was depressed most of my times in high school more so the end of sophomore year till senior year. i knew i was depressed, but i didn't think anything of it. i didn't know how bad it was until the beginning of my sophomore year in college, when i was learning about depression and more so this year. i also gained a lot of weight during high school and i didn't do much about it. you see, people who have known me forever would know that i used to be a tiny girl, i used to be around 5'3-5'4 till i sprouted up to 5'9. i also used to be bone skinny, my bro was like this too. people thought that my parents never fed us. we had such insanely high metabolisms. but i gained weight when i was 14 (my mom couldnt be happier), and kept gaining till i was 15 because i never got used to my new metabolism. i started working out, and i got into shape last year. i wish i feel the same way about my mental health as i do with my physical health though.

its hard to love yourself when you find so many faults, you know? i look in the mirror and i see so many things wrong with my face. sometimes i have my fat days too. you know when one day you realize you look overweight, but when you work out you feel better. there are days where i feel like i will die alone because i dont go out with anyone. there are days where i feel like i will being living at home until i die. i have my days where i say this isn't going to happen, where i make positive goals for myself so i don't think like that. i do have my days where i just write poems. because poems are my drugs. then there are days where i feel like a free bird, i dance around and be a happy child of god.

i just hope there are more days like that for me.